Monday, April 20, 2009


This year has easily provided the most self-loathing opportunities of my life. Every failed relationship, every person who saw me at my worst, every person who knows things about me I wish weren't true, THOSE PEOPLE are now back in my life. Or at least enough of them that some days I think I've been nothing but a terrible person, the regret I feel just seeing their names.
  • The friend from High School I one day couldn't face dealing with anymore because her food issues made me upset - so I stopped talking to her with no explanation?
  • The boy I dated in HS who turned out to be gay AND who stabbed me in the back during a senior year, debate-tournament scholarship competition? (we're not "refriended", but he's friend to many of mine)
  • The friends I never called back? The ones I was disloyal to or too busy for?
  • The roommate I bickered endlessly with?
  • The boy I had a painful crush on?

All there. Every mistake made, careless word said. All. right. there.

Okay. Here's the other side of that. The "half full" part: I've reconnected with a LOT of people whom I have, at one point or another, shared really meaningful, positive experiences, friendship and love with. It's MY issue that the worst parts of those relationships are the ones I focus on, the things I didn't correct and now, 10 or 20 years later, I'm trying to sort-out (in my head or literally) and puzzle back into my self-image of happy-go-lucky kind person. Also? I think I have self-esteem issues.

Moving away from home (my theme, apparently, for this week), I've lost touch with more friends than I wish. Perhaps. And Facebook is like voluntarily returning to a giant reunion which is sometimes amazing, and sometimes absolutely bitter. I think I'm bad at Facebooking. I've used FB to apologize to a couple of people, only to never hear from them again...maybe because I reminded them that my "friendship" isn't what they want. Is this typical, my complex love for and loathing of Facebook? Am I just overly neurotic and self-loathing?


Aunt Becky said...

I've been on Facebook for awhile now, and I think you're experiencing what most people deal with on there. I haven't connected with a single ex there nor have I found anyone I once hated.

I feel somewhat jilted :)

elliesmadre said...

I think Facebook is bizarre and awesome at the same time. Bizarre that I will check to see who is online and see current friends, high school friends, the first guy I slept with, and someone I got into a fight with. It's craziness! But I love that I have been able to reconnect with those people. I have also been able to apologize for the mean things I did in the past. And I've been forgiven.

I do sometimes get friend requests for someone I went to grade school with or something. We weren't friends or anything. So I just deny or ignore those ones. And I've been known to do a little "cleaning" of my FB friend lists.

Definite time suck though.

Vic said...

The jury's still out for me with FB. I haven't been there very long, and it's been weird how people I haven't thought about in forever have showed up out of nowhere. It's a little like being stuck reliving every chunk of your life at the same time.

Plus a few creepy guys show up.

Jason, as himself said...

Maybe you have just voiced the working of my subconscious. I have been refusing to use Facebook. I never have used it. I tell myself it is because I don't have time...but maybe it is more than that!

Joi said...

I treat facebook like a busy crowded cafeteria. I will see some people I like(d) some that I don't but it all seems to be just in passing. (does that make sense?)

Squirky said...

That's so funny, I've been writing (in my head) a blog post about why I love and hate Facebook. I'm always unintentionally copying you!

Whenever I get a friend request (or find someone I used to know) I try to follow the "cup of coffee" rule: if I ran into this person on the street, would I want to go get a cup of coffee with them to "catch up"? If so, I friend 'em.

But mostly I just use it to keep in touch with distant friends who I would be keeping in touch with anyway. FB is nice cuz it's so instant. Or something.